Borrowed Time

Tomorrow morning part of my heart is going to come strutting out the front door in his Thomas the Tank Engine shoes, ears sticking out, short arms and legs pumping, probably yelling some indistinguishable command at those following behind, while bustling up to lay claim to my hand, and then flashing an insatiable grin, ready to take on the world.

And I can hear a quiet click as my heart breaks in two.

Someone once told me that every time you laugh in life, you will have just as many tears... apparently I'm making up for years and years of laughing right now, but that's okay. And it's okay because I know that Pollito is in God's hands. I can't change His perfect timing, nor His perfect will. I can feel, I can weep, I can wish... but ultimately Pollito is His child, and it is His love that is more amazing than I can even imagine, and His care that will wrap this child in arms of love.

This little guy will leave a hole in CVE... just like those kids and staff who have gone before. And even as I ask myself, "Why do we do this?" I know it's not about us... it's about Him, and following Him without questions, even when everything within us cries out to resist. And if He wants us here, wants us to give our hearts away countless times only to start all over again with every new child... then so be it.

I will love, I will hurt, and I will love again and again.

And to Pollito... like the Mark Schultz song says, I've "... learned how to hold you when you cried/ I learned how to let you be strong/ Learned how to calm you in the dark/ Learned how to listen with my heart/ I learned how to watch you grow/ But how will I learn to let go?"

Only with the Father's strength... not my own.

Come and sit here by my side

For our time will soon be gone

And these tears I cannot hide

For it's your turn to move on

I know you were never really mine

You were given to me

On borrowed time

Now I shall stay here on my own

For I know you've been

Called home...

Now I know I must be strong
For what else can I do

Won't be easy to go on

For I must learn to live

Without you

I know that life cannot be bought

And there's nothing I should fear

For you'll go no further than God

And God is very near...

Now it's time to let go
It's just part of the plan

So many answers we don't know

But some day we'll understand

Someday...

*Edited lyrics from Leahy's "Borrowed Time"